Sibling Conflict

On most early afternoons you can find me redeeming the quiet moments of nap time in the kitchen.   Nicole plays in her room, Jonah sleeps, and I do chores.  Not only do I relish this (usually) uninterrupted hour of productivity, I also really enjoy listening to audiobooks or tuning into various podcasts on motherhood while I chip away at my tasks.  A few months ago, everyone had just settled into their various nap time occupations when I found myself eagerly tuning into a podcast on managing sibling conflict. 

Visiting a statue while on an adventure walk 

Things had just started to occasionally erupt between Jonah and Nicole so I was leaning in extra close in hopes of gaining any slice of wisdom from a few seasoned moms on the topic.  I distinctly remember one point in the conversation when one of the moms said, "I often find myself standing in the middle of living room, redirecting the same fight for the umpteenth time and so I finally just say, 'everyone outside!' and then, something amazing happens - the conflict disappears.  The same kids who couldn't stop going at it with each other are suddenly playing catch in the backyard. They just needed to go outside all along."

I paused the podcast long enough to think through countless times when this moms observation had been right in my home as well.  My own experiences quickly confirmed that there was something about being indoors that triggered conflict and something about being outside that diffused it.  Sometimes fights happen outside too, so it's certainly not a cure-all, but for the most part, the call to head outdoors does diffuse pretty much any mounting frustration between the kids.

Conflict still pops up intermittently throughout our days but having a tool that usually diffuses it has given me greater opportunities to speak calmly to my kids about the issue we just left behind.  For Nicole, I am able to ask questions like, "what was the problem?" or "how could you have handled that differently?"  and for Jonah I get to teach key phrases like, next time say, "turn, please!" or "may I have that back?" or "can we trade?" Each time I hear Jonah speak one of these phrases or see Nicole choosing to do things differently than she did before, I know we're getting somewhere. 

I expect conflict to follow Jonah and Nicole for their entire relationship, but my hope is that from a young age they learn how to resolve it peacefully.   Somedays involve a lot more spontaneous outside breaks than others, but I remind myself often that it's always worth it.  I pray that Jonah and Nicole's ability to navigate conflict with one another gives them the tools they need to peacefully navigate conflict with future friends, classmates, coworkers and neighbors.  Even when the issues feel temporary or foolish, I know that striving to live at peace with each other, apologizing for wrongdoing and regularly extending forgiveness are all vital parts to them thriving as adults. 

Like most aspects of parenting, having a long view helps me to handle the immediate issues with more patience and perspective.  And, when all else fails we put on love because love covers a multitude of sins. 

How do you handle sibling conflict?
Love,
Erica