My Mommy Mind: Three Months

Shortly after Nicole was born, her doctor informed me that I needed to schedule a weight check to see if she was gaining adequate weight.  Despite the fact that she had re-gained all of her birthweight before we were discharged from the hospital, her doctor wanted to monitor her weight closely since I was exclusively breastfeeding.   I brought her in, got her weighed and celebrated the fact that she had gained a couple of ounces since our last visit a few days prior.  Then, sometime after lunch, I was sitting on the couch holding Nicole when a nurse from our Doctors office called.  I answered my phone and was bombarded by a rush of statics and percentiles about how Nicole's weight gain was not adequate and if I didn't contact a lactation consultant immediately, my baby might fail to thrive.  I was bewildered, confused and immediately overwhelmed.  I burst into tears as feelings of failure washed over me.  I followed all of Nicole's cues to eat, I fed her until she was satisfied and yet somehow, the math didn't add up and her weight was saying that she wasn't eating enough - likely because I didn't have enough milk.

I never did go to a lactation consultant and my baby did thrive, but that one phone call planted a seed of insecurity into my heart that buried itself deep inside of me.   I was acutely aware of the sizes of the other babies I encountered and I always kept formula in the house "just in case".  For months, I kept a clean bottle and ready to use formula in our diaper bag because I was so afraid that we'd be out somewhere I really wouldn't be able to feed my baby.  It's amazing what seeds of insecurity can do to us, isn't it?  It's also amazing how far God will go to remove those insecurities from our lives and heal the wounds they created.  

Two and a half years after giving birth to a healthy 7 pound baby, I gave birth to an equally healthy baby clocking in at almost 10 pounds.  While Nicole held onto her petite features and grew slowly but consistently, Jonah is gaining weight and growing at a rate so fast I can hardly believe it.   Questions about the adequacy of my milk supply have been replaced by comments from friends and strangers alike about how well Jonah eats.  I have spent countless hours switching out Jonah's baby clothes for bigger size after bigger size.  As I spend time packing away the clothes he has rapidly outgrown, I can't help but feel baffled by how vastly different my children already are.  All the while I am struck by the tenderness and care God extended toward me when He redeemed an insecurity that I couldn't uproot without him.  

I don't know why one phone call from a nurse quoting facts, figures and percentiles held greater significance to me than the healthy baby in my arms, but it did.  The message that Nicole wasn't gaining enough weight made me feel like I wasn't enough.  Somehow the very essence of my motherhood felt insufficient and I spent months hoping I could provide everything she needed.  Now I can tell you with confidence that God created Nicole to be a petite baby.  She's still small, but she's healthy and definitely thriving.  And when I look at my chubby baby boy, I know that God made Jonah in His imagine too.   He is big and strong and perfectly formed.  Both of my children point to the majesty of their Creator in a way that is unique to them, and I am always humbled when I think about Gods mighty hand piecing them together.

Uprooting an insecurity pertaining to my inadequacy as a mother is only one of the many ways that God is using motherhood to sanctify me.  The days continue to be long, my boundaries are often tested and I come face to face with my finite strength as I carry Jonah around throughout the day.  Shawn and I are repeatedly trying to learn new ways to effectively communicate and connect with one another, especially because a cloud of exhaustion surrounds us both.

I treasure this season for everything that it offers - a husband to intentionally move towards and children to love and care for.  We are counting our blessings and praying for God to sustain us each and every day.  Happy 3rd month of life, Jonah.  We love you!

Love,
Erica