Fear

Back in 2015 when Shawn and I first began discussing what it would look like to make this move to Texas, I couldn't have the conversation without being confronted by an overwhelming fear of isolation.  My fear often halted our conversation to an abrupt stop and I could not figure out how to move past it.  I knew that Shawn would be traveling but I didn't have any information about the frequency, location or duration of that travel.  In between our conversations I would let my fear of isolation spin all kinds of scenarios in my head about how awful it was going to be for me to be alone in an unfamiliar city, with a baby in tow.  In those scenarios my isolation was so consuming that I could feel it and my loneliness was irreconcilable.  I can shake my head now at how unhealthy it was for me to let my fear dictate my emotions in such a negative way, but at the time I didn't have the emotional or spiritual resources to do it differently. 

When I reflect on that time in my life I can see that I used an incredible amount of faith to navigate a very significant transition but I was unknowingly holding onto my fear of isolation like a protective blanket. 

I showed up in Texas feeling very patient about the time it would take to settle in which was made easier by the fact that Shawn didn't have any need to travel for the first few months after our arrival.  I was content being home with Nicole during the day and when Shawn came home we were able to explore together.  We had become regulars at the local pool, the library, grocery store and church but we hadn't found Doctors for any of us yet.  Nicole was still young enough to be needing well-child checks every couple of months so I had been reading about local Doctors and clinics long before our move.  I wasn't completely unfamiliar with the medical scene here but I hadn't had time to establish primary care yet.  I didn't think that was a big deal until Shawn was out of town for the first time and I came down with shingles.  

As it turns out, shingles live dormant in the spinal cord of anyone who has previously had chicken pox and can be awakened by extreme stress.  This is where the story gets important.  I have thought through the week leading up to my shingles outbreak hundreds of times and for the longest time I couldn't identify the stress that caused such a strong reaction from my body.   I was confused and discouraged until I finally saw the fear of isolation silently draped across that week, touching every aspect of it.   I was afraid of so many things about Shawn's week of travel that it would be difficult to list them all.  But here's the worst part - none of the fears I held onto had actually happened yet, so my fear caused a physical response from my body long before any of them even had the opportunity to come to fruition. 

In the end, my greatest fear of being isolated became a reality.  I was the only parent home who could hold my baby and I was terrified of giving her the chicken pox every single time I picked her up.  I was driving all over the city just trying to find someone who would diagnosis and treat my shingles so that I wouldn't be a risk to Nicole anymore.  It took days to make it happen and in the process I had made countless frustrated phone calls to Shawn.  Each phone call was less productive then the one before and therefore pushed me deeper into the bottomless pit of isolation I had begun to dig.  

The rest of that story isn't pretty, especially because I let fear dictate how I viewed and treated my husband.  I don't remember the things I said to Shawn that week, but I clearly remember the ugliness of the emotions that I communicated out of.  I wasn't kind and I know that I was operating out of fear instead of love.  What I learned from having shingles is that fear escalates our circumstances and robs us of the very resources we need to handle them.  When I'm afraid, I act harshly and I let my vulnerability conger up feelings of anger and abandonment.    When I walk in faith, I have peace despite my circumstances and I am equipped to face the challenges ahead. 

There have been many business trips separating me from that first and very painful week alone and as a result I've had lots of practice overcoming fear with faith.  It's a constant journey but it's one I'm glad to be on. 

I hope you're having a great week!
Love,
Erica