Shepherding a Child's Heart

This past year my MOPS group was under new leadership, and as such, almost everything about it was different.  It was neat to see women who were passionate about serving God and connecting moms to one another take things in a new direction.   My absolute favorite change was adding an optional Bible study component to the group.  I hadn't been in a Bible study since college and when they announced the study at our first meeting, I jumped at the chance to join.   In the fall we studied   Shepherding a Child's Heart by Tedd Tripp and I am not exaggerating when I say that it was life changing for me.  Certainly some of the impact came from corporately studying the Word of God with my peers on a topic that was deeply relevant to all of us.  But, a lot of the impact was learning what God has to say about raising children.  We only met as a group 5 times and we didn't even come close to finishing the book so I've been slowly working my way through the rest of it ever since.  Each time I sit down to study and to learn, I feel the truth that I've read both grip and ground me.  The concepts have continued to ripple through my life and my parenting day after day, laying the groundwork to help me raise children who know and love God. 

In my pre-mom days when I was working as a teacher, I spent a lot of time shaping student behavior.  I worked primarily as a special education teacher so learning how to shape behavior was a huge component of helping the students I served be successful in their classrooms.   Each year of my career I received a little more training on the topic and since I had ample opportunity to put my training into practice, I felt pretty confident and equipped in my ability to help children shed undesired behavior.    Transferring those skills from the classroom to my home felt like a natural and logical next step.  When Nicole started doing things that we didn't want her to do like put her feet on the table at dinner or undress herself in her crib, I was pretty comfortable re-directing her behavior to something more desirable.  While I will always be thankful for the training I have and the years I spent teaching, I failed to realize that God wants more for me and my children then simply changed behavior.    He wants us to know Him first and foremost and He cares far more about the heart behind the behavior than He does about the behavior itself.

There is a lot to be learned from the Bible about raising children, but one of the principles that continues to echo through my parenting this year is to pursue the heart of the issue.  The Bible tells us over and over again that God is concerned with our hearts, and since He is concerned with the condition of our hearts, as a parent, I need to be concerned about heart issues also.  It took months of practice for me to start seeing past how Nicole was acting and to start asking God to help me to see her heart in the behavior.  My instinct was to address the behavior, especially when it was something that I wanted to extinguish right away.  And, to be fair, sometimes the behavior was something that needed to be extinguished right away.  But, I felt compelled to continue the practice of bringing those behaviors to the Lord in prayer and asking Him to help me see the heart behind them, even after I had addressed them in the moment.

You can imagine my surprise when I realized that the heart behind Nicole's feet on the dinner table and undressing herself in her crib was control.  Seeing the heart issue, rather than the behavior itself opened my eyes to look for ways she was vying for control in other areas and to start equipping her to use her desire to control in positive ways.  Nicole did receive consequences for continuing to put her feet on the table and for undressing in her crib, but I can tell you with certainty that we didn't really start to see a true shift away from those behaviors until I started praying for God to help her release that control to replace it with a heart that wanted to obey.

Making it a habit to see past a behavior and into the heart behind the behavior has transformed me into a much calmer parent.  I still have moments when my tone of voice is tenser than I want it to be, or my buttons get pushed more than I was anticipating, but I am now far less likely to simply react to what has transpired.  I still address things in the moment, but I have also given myself permission not to address everything in the moment.  Some behaviors I simply observe and tuck away to process and pray through so that I am equipped to address it at a heart level the next time around.  This is what shepherding my children's hearts has meant for me so far this year.  I know that God has much more to teach me about bringing my children up to know Him, but for now, this has been a great place to start.

Love,
Erica