When we first moved here Nicole was only six months old. I was still nursing her regularly and she took multiple naps a day. It was difficult for me to go on extended outings with her because they inevitably conflicted with either feeding or nap time, but in the face of decisions about which activities I should say yes to, I compared myself to other moms. Most of these moms were well past the nursing and napping stage of child-rearing, making it a completely unfair and invalid comparison. That comparison caused me to either feel like I was incapable of handling simple daily outings or like I was the best, most sacrificial mom around. In either case, I was wrong.
Then, Shawn started traveling for work and I started to desperately look at other families who had a traveling spouse. I knew almost nothing about these families, but what I saw was these other moms who were seemingly unaffected by the absence of their spouse. I was confused by the ease that they seemed to handle their stints of single parenting and I questioned the distribution of responsibility between the parents when both parties were home. All the while I felt utterly unprepared, under-equipped and like the wrong person for the job at hand. I didn't (and still don't!) have all of the information as to why these families seemed to be far better at handling a traveling spouse than I was, making the conclusions I drew totally invalid.
And suddenly, I transitioned from carrying a baby to holding the hand of a growing toddler. This subtle yet significant change brought a whole slew of other developmental changes like mobility, exclusively solid food, decisions about appropriate nap and bedtimes, language development and discipline. And while each of these milestones were thrilling in their own right, they brought with them a culture of comparison, judgement and even some controversy. I was a little more equipped to identify comparison as it came up in these scenarios because of my own childhood experiences and because of my background as a special education teacher. I whole-heartedly believe that each child is uniquely gifted and has individual needs and preferences. As parents we watch and wait expectantly for the age-appropriate milestones are kids are supposed to reach and it is difficult to not be discouraged when things feel a little more delayed then we originally expected, or more accurately than our niece, nephew or neighbor experienced.
The bottom line is that comparison never has never served me. It doesn't make me a better mom, friend or wife. It doesn't help me love God or love others. And it either inflates or crushes my self-concept. Now that I have a child who is frequently interacting with other children, and it turn, I am frequently interacting with other moms, the opportunity and temptation to compare is always around. I have had to frequently remind myself that my end goal is to raise Nicole to be a respectful, responsible adult who loves God and loves others. There are a million big and tiny decisions and tactics that Shawn and I navigate on a daily basis all with the end goal of raising an adult. Every parent around me is on the same journey but catching each other in either our best or worst moments and drawing comparisons from them will never serve us.
I want to be the kind of person who celebrates others instead of compares. It's not easy and it's certainly not something I do right every day, but I still whole-heartedly believe that we are each uniquely gifted and have individual needs and preferences. Even though our journeys don't always stack up and our milestones can feel decades apart, we have the ability, capacity and opportunity to celebrate one another for exactly who we are. For me, that often means that I need to take a mental step back from a situation or experience and ask God to show me how He sees the person I am comparing myself, my child or my marriage against. God sees us for exactly who He created us to be and His opinion of us is always good.
So my challenge to all of us is look for opportunities to celebrate the people around us by thinking thoughts that would edify them.
I hope you are well!
Love,
Erica
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