The Unknown

If I had to summarize the past year of my life into one word it would be the word unknown.   One year ago I was 8 months pregnant and wondering on a daily basis when I was going to welcome our first born into the world.  Yes, I had a "due date" but I quickly learned that the baby would come when she was ready.  We didn't know if we were having a boy or a girl so our nursery remained undecorated and the collection of tiny clothes I had tucked away were mostly gender neutral. Our days were filled with anticipation and wonder but still largely marked by the unknown.  Somewhere between waiting for baby and dreaming about what the rest of our life was about to look like, Shawn felt like God was asking him to take a job with Time to Revive.  Months and months of prayer and discussion came down to one unanimous and courageous yes from both of us, late one October afternoon.  We didn't know when we would move, where we would live or how we were going to tell our families.  I didn't know if I was going to go back to work or if I would ever see my students again.  It was a whole new layer of unknowns that felt big and deep and heavy.  Shawn had faith that God would prepare our way, but my feelings of grief, especially over moving far away with a new baby, were so huge that somedays I couldn't see past them.

We gave birth to a happy, healthy baby girl and I was overwhelmed in all of the best ways by how supported I felt by our friends and family.  People were quick to celebrate with us and the excitement over this new little life was widespread.  My heart was full from the generous outpouring of love towards us and Nicole but also simultaneously heavy with the knowledge that we were moving.   I wanted every visitor that stepped through the threshold of our home to have the privilege of watching Nicole grow up and to be part of her life.  I felt like that one unanimous and courageous 'yes' was robbing people of their right to love my daughter.  I couldn't shake the idea that we were leaving the safe, and protective covering that was build by years of investing in people and our community.   I had no idea how I was going to raise a baby without that covering and I was scared.  I prayed through my fears on a daily basis and waited for God to take hold of my unknowns and make known the plans that He had for us.  It took six months for all of the details to come together, with each new detail shedding light on a brand new set of questions and unknowns ahead.   We went forward, carried only by our faith.

In many ways we still have lots of unknowns ahead of us but the lessons I've learned over this past year are helping me live my life with more peace.  This year of unknowns has taught me that I have to put my faith in the unwavering promises of God, not in my feelings.  My faith in God doesn't stop me from missing my mom or the familiarity of everything that made Minnesota home.  My faith didn't make the summer holidays that we've celebrated here any less lonely, and my faith certainly doesn't help me find my way around the new-to-me streets of DFW.  What my faith gives me is peace that God is with me every step of the way.  My unknowns are fully known by Him and He will turn them into something beautiful.

I hope you are well!
Love,
Erica